Conflicted Emotions

So, I have been an LPN for 10 years now and have loved being a nurse. I have worked in hospitals, nursing homes, doctor offices and in the schools. Each job had it's pro's and con's, as most jobs do, but I can honestly say I have truly enjoyed all of them as each job was at a different time in my nursing career. Right at this moment I am not working due to the Lupus. It has been extremely hard coming to reality that I may never work as a nurse in the capacity that I have before in my career.

As a nurse you have lots of stress, emotional & physical. There is many hours of standing, walking and lifting as a hospital or nursing home nurse. Many times I had to turn 300+lb patients, help them walk steadily, lift them up and out of bed and so forth. Thankfully this all happened early in my career, pre-lupus years. I know that there is no way I could be a hospital/nursing home nurse at this point in my disease. I had always prided myself in my abilities to perform needed skills and have often missed not working in a hospital setting.

Working as a pediatric nurse in an office setting was another challenge. I didn't have to do all the skills needed in the hospital setting, but there were many other skills I had to work on. Being able to take care of the patient (child) as well as the parent. As a parent I know all to well that taking your child to the doctor can be a scary experience. Your child is afraid of what may happen to them and you (parent) feel guilty when they have to get needed procedures which may hurt. I have helped many a crying parent when their child has experienced the pain of stitches, shots, broken limbs, etc. You are nursing the entire family. Physically I was able to do fairly well at this job. There were many hours of being on my feet, but I was able to take short breaks and rest. The hardest part was when we would get the pre-k children in and I would have to wrestle with them to give them their shots! Gosh those little one's could kick hard and pack a punch! The other issue was the early morning hours 5-6 days a week. That is very hard on a Lupie!

My experience as a school nurse has been positive. I absolutely LOVED my job. I felt honored to be able to help the children, families & community. Physically this job was the least demanding on my body. I had my own office and was able to sit, stand or walk as much as I needed to. Many a mornings I was still able to function while in a flare. The hardest part of this kind of nursing for me was the emotional stress. I became to love many of the children and their families. The stress came in when I had to work with children that were being neglected and abused. There were many children that I wanted to take home with me and feed them a good meal, give them a good bath, and new clothes. Not to say that all the children were like this, just many. I worked in a very rural community that has high poverty rates. Like my previous job, I had to work 5 days a week but for only 5 hours a day. My hours were 9:30-2:30, a perfect schedule for a Lupie with children still in schools. When they were out, I was out too. For 3 years I was a school nurse and I truly feel like this is where God wanted me to be.

Today, I am a stay-at-home mom to 3 beautiful girls. I am sitting in bed with my laptop as I am in a flare. I have had a wonderful experience working as a nurse in all areas of nursing. I am not ready to give up my license that I have worked so hard for. I get tears in my eyes and anxiety just thinking that I may never nurse again. Coming to the conclusion that my nursing career may be ending has been hard. I spoke to a fellow nurse and friend last night about her new position and my heart started beating faster and the excitement of talking to her about nursing procedures kept me up most of the night. I miss it, but in all of my years of nursing and in all of the different areas of nursing I worked in there was a common factor....helping people & educating them about their health. I may not be able to start an IV, open medication packets, lift & turn patients or pull a 12 hour shift on my feet, but I can hold the hand of a dying patient, hug a scared family member, educate a new mother about her baby or make sure that everyone I come across knows about Lupus, it's symptoms, treatments and hopefully soon, steps to a cure!I know God has a plan for me...may He guide me and be with me on this new journey in my life!